I need to apologise: there is no Gerrard Ramble in this week’s Peak Fitba. I am not sure I understand what is going on, and believe me I searched both high and low, but it appears… perhaps… maybe… that Stevie went a week without saying something utterly ridiculous.
It has made me question myself… my beliefs… my role in life. I am considering stepping away from social media for a while just to get my head straight. In the meantime, read this:
Sportsound’s Broadfoot and Stewart screaming machines are as predictable and consistent as that gnawing existential dread that everyone, not just me, definitely gets. This week the topic was, of course, Andrew Dallas.
‘Surely part of you is thinking – I’m on shaky ground here if I’m going to be giving four penalties?’ asked the fiery redhead, Stewart.
Bit of a weird premise, to be honest: the idea that teams run out of penalties. The ref has already given team B four penalties, so team A are just going to start volleying cunts in the balls, but not outside the box, cos that will be a freekick and we haven’t reached our quota of free kicks yet.
The problem with Dallas (one of the problems with Dallas) is that three of the four weren’t penalties, not that four penalties were awarded. The set-to devolved to the point where they were talking about ‘scooping’ the ball, ‘unintentional handballs’, and eventually Stewart accused Broadfoot of talking ‘gibberish.’ Dazza clapped back that Mikey needed to learn the rules of the game.
‘You have to understand how someone’s brain works,’ replied Stewart, perhaps with a tear in his eye, perhaps singing ‘I Want To Know What Love Is’, in his head. Stewart is just a boy standing in front of a boy who used to be the SFA’s communications director, asking him to understand how brains work.
Over on the Hotline, Jim Tracey of Dalkeith was dropping funnies like they were eccies in the Arches.
‘Green was right when he said Rangers would link up with the Dallas Cowboys. Dallas gave them four penalties for nothing – I reckon he’s a cowboy. He’s not good at his job.’
Jim worked hard for that so you better appreciate it. I can imagine him sitting on his armchair after Rangers get the 4th penalty. ‘That Dallas, eh, ha!’ his eyes shifting from side to side, wondering where he can go with it. ‘Da..las,’ he mumbles feebly thinking that he could use the surname to get to Andrew’s Da…dead end. He thought about Dallas the TV show, but nothing was coming there.
He knew that he wanted to strike early on the Hotline with this (whatever it was) cos Scottish fitba news cycles move so quickly. He had to think, goddamit. JR Ewing? ‘Fuck, there’s nothing there!’ he bemoaned, taking a sip from his mug of Blackthorn.
4:30am he bursts out of sleep, screaming Dallas Buyers Club. He writes it down on the notepad next to his bed (kept there for his weekly [sometimes bi-weekly] hot takes), but in the morning when he wakes up, it just doesn’t make sense to him anymore.
He gets some breakfast and then his girlfriend phones. She is asking him if he could take her to EK, Scotland’s biggest undercover shopping centre in East Kilbride and just then, like a bolt of wonderful creativity, the words ‘DALLAS COWBOYS’ flash through his mind.
‘Get off the phone, my beautiful muse, Daddy has to phone the Hotline.’ She didn’t need any further explanation; she knew what had just happened.
Simeon Jackson is a well-travelled citizen of the world. In his 31 years he has seen a lot of things: he started out in Jamaica and got to Rushden and/or Diamonds via Canada. Since then he has played for such teams as Raunds Town and Eintracht Braunschweig, so it was pretty understandable that Jacko had experienced the likes of Andrew Dallas before:
‘The ref got done for match fixing for it just after… do what you want to do with that!’
Jackson was referring to a friendly between Canada and Macedonia where four penalties were given: ‘It was literally anything in the box the referee was waving for it […] some of the penalty decisions you were like ‘wow’.
Some footballers like Kolo Toure and Mikael Lustig get to experience two invincible seasons in their careers, others like Simmy have to settle for two games where four penalties are given.
That said, the four penalties in the Canada game were distributed fairly, two for each side. Nae chance you will experience that here, Sim City.
Netflix and Cal
CalMac gave us a fairly depressing insight into the world of a footballer this week when he revealed his daily routine: he goes for a coffee after training, gets home for 4pm and then eats dinner and watches Netflix for the next five hours before lights out at 9pm. It got me thinking as to what would be on his watchlist.
I haven’t ever seen him with a French tuck so I don’t think Queer Eye is on there. He is extremely tidy, so I’m thinking Marie Kondo definitely. He’s halfway through Wild Wild Country cos Tam got him on to that (and Tam is all about his Cult docs). Still Game is a constant and he watches Anthony Bourdain with his tea.
He sometimes watches Girls Incarcerated, but it makes him feel funny. He batters the Anime tab, but doesn’t tell anyone about it even though he is Goku for life. He begrudgingly watched Peaky Blinders, but only so he can talk to KT about it and he watched Hip Hop Evolution for Timmy Weah coming, but he doesn’t know how to bring it up without coming across as a racist (he did consider mentioning that his favourite actor was Sidney Poitier, but he benched that idea.)
On a Saturday night after a game he pours himself a wee glass of wine and watches the first twenty minutes of Sunderland Til I Die. When his goal goes in he says ‘ahhh get it up ye’ and puts the telly off. He sings the Stuart Armstrong song as he goes to brush his teeth.
Fat Mess on Morelos
In his weekly column, Kris Boyd spoke about Morelos and the Colombian’s demons: ‘He has the Ibrox supporters eating out of the palm of his hand (as animals are wont to do). But still there’s something in his head that tells him he needs more.’
Totally, Kris. Like that second line of coke or that fifth bag of Monster Munch. We all just need more sometimes.
‘I get the whole argument about him being South American and how he’s had to fight for everything he’s ever got. That makes sense. I appreciate he’s still only 22 and is a relatively young man. But I was there at that same age so spare me that as an excuse.’
22 year old from Cerete, Colombia… 22 year old from Irvine, Ayrshire… One of them loves a whack, one of them loves a corn snack… identical.
Worrall in this together
Joe Worral spoke this week about his recent calamity…shit, I should be more specific: the one that gifted Kilmarnock a win at Ruggers Park.
‘That’s the reason I’m here, to make mistakes. It’s part of my development.’
Great to hear, Joe, just keep them coming. And it’s also good to hear Rangers being referred to in such glowing terms, essentially making them out to be the hooker that a virgin gets good with before going back to their sweetheart (Roy Keane at Forest) with all their moves good to go.
We can only hope to hear Rangers fans saying ‘that’s the wrong hole, Joe’ several more times before the end of the season. Joe does feel he has put his troubles behind him though (about two weeks after the Killie mistake): ‘I’ve bounced back and put in solid performances like I know I can.’
Like Alan Partridge, Joe, if you have to tell us you have bounced back… you probably haven’t bounced back. Providing all Rangers fans with a free Danko Torch might go a long way to improving the situation though, Joe.
No way, Pedro
Pedro Caixinha used to be a lovable rogue, a harmless buffoon standing in a hedge. Now it seems he has gone full knobend. Not just the tip, the full bhuna of knobend.
When asked this week about a Mexican women’s team he replied: ‘I don’t play with skirts’ and walked out of the press conference.
First of all Pedro, don’t kink shame me and secondly, be less knobend and more buffoon in a hedge.
This coupled with the reaction to the Motherwell Ladies’ team name change this week, plus the comments on the Celtic Instagram where Kelly Clark and Cheryl McCulloch were posed standing as if Oliver Burke was a prize on a 70s gameshow, make it one of those weeks where you have to wonder: wait, it’s 2019, isn’t it?
WOMEN PLAYING FOOTBALL TAKES NOTHING AWAY FROM MEN PLAYING FOOTBALL.
IT DOESN’T INVALIDATE ANYTHING; IT DOESN’T MAKE THE SPORT LESSER FOR ANYONE IT JUST MAKES IT POSSIBLE AND LEGITIMATE FOR FEMALES TO ENJOY A SPORT WHERE THEY ARE REPRESENTED.
NOW EVERYONE: GET BACK TO BEING FUCKING BUFFOONS IN FUCKING HEDGES