Peak Fitba is back from Dubai! It has been sated by Salt Bae’s meat and the Middle East’s human rights violations and is primed and pumped for the second half of the season. Celtic were Herbstmeisters despite that blip on the 29th (which Rangers thankfully made irrelevant by allowing Jordan ‘WATP’ Jones to run unopposed towards their goal a few nights ago) and all is well in the world of Scottish football. Well… not exactly ‘well’.
Levein it out, mate.
Craig Levein is a blowhard and that is just science. He talks a fair rake of shite on a daily basis and seems to have the built up interior rage of someone with a micro penis: an overwhelming desire to have sex, but without the tools to do it properly (no YOU’RE projecting). The man is famous for three things: fighting with a team mate on the pitch, throwing away qualification in the Czech Republic and that ‘it was a good laugh’ quote. Seriously, that’s it.
But he is looking to add a 4th string to his bow: a protracted war of words with Michael Stewart.
This current instalment began when Levein played a new signing, hooked him after 30 minutes and described him as ‘rubbish’ (Steven Gerrard can only dream of that kind of player destruction). Stewart rightfully questioned his man-management and suggested that he was deflecting from that fact that he has made something like 60 signings as Hearts manager and is still making excuses for their poor performances. Levein didn’t take too kindly to this and basically suggested Stewart wasn’t brave or intelligent enough to be a manager (Gerrard can only dream of that kind of intelligence). Stewart responded with an accusation that Levein has tried to get him sacked in the past and Levein warned that the gloves were now off. ‘My light-hearted banter with Mr Stewart has suddenly not become light-hearted,’ said Levein. Light-hearted, you say? Let’s take a look:
‘It is personal with Michael and he is just making a fool of himself. I don’t particularly like him and I hear he doesn’t like me. For him to admit that he has an agenda and for them (BBC) to still allow him the platform, for me, that is a nonsense.’
Hmmm such jolly, light-hearted bantz.
‘I remember his agent at the time was a guy called George Wright, who used to play here. We didn’t have any money at the time but George said that Man United would cover his (Michael Stewart) salary for him to come on loan. However we had to put something on the contract as a technicality, so it was a £1-a-week and, without doubt, it was the worst value for money player I have ever had. That is a fact.’
The lightest of hearts!
The Gerrard Ramble
This week the transfer window and valuations in general seem to be causing ol Stevie G to have some kind of stroke. Not only did he slap an £8 million tag on James Tavernier (I’ll make the jokes, Stevie) but his head almost combusted at the idea of selling Alfredo Morelos.
On the proposed Nice bid for the forward: ‘I think it’s very disrespectful, first and foremost, to Alfredo, to the club and me third.’ Jesus, Stevie, they made a bid for your player, they didn’t piss on your kids.
But it’s understandable to a degree: essentially, Gerrard just wants to ward off attention: ‘I’ve been made aware that they are preparing an £8 million bid, but they are wasting their time. It’s nowhere near enough and the player isn’t for sale.’Okay, okay, he is not for sale, calm the fuck down, man. We won’t try to sell him if you don’t want, we realise he is going nowhere.
‘At this moment, Alfredo at this moment won’t be going anywhere but of course everyone has a price.’
Right okay, so he is for sale at the right price?
‘Anyone who is preparing a bid will be wasting their time.’
Wait, what? So he’s not for sale? Are you sure? Who makes the decision?
‘The board will have the final say.’
‘They will probably ask me and I’ll say either yes or no in my opinion.’
‘But the board own the club.’
‘Dave King owns it so he’ll have the final say.’
BUT HE’S NOT FOR SALE AND I WILL BATTER YOU!!
Then on Sunday evening, after Rangers had clinched the league title for the third time this season, Stevie G was really on top of the world.
‘C’mon you pipsqueak wee man with your microphone’, he was definitely thinking, squaring up the Sky Sports reporter triumphantly after the game. ‘Ask me about Morelos, I dare ya, I dare ya. Oh, do it, do it – I’m going to stare you down, humilate you and create another ‘Big Man Stevie G batters the press’ viral video. Do it, do it’.
Reporter: ‘What happens if a huge bid comes in for him (Morelos) in the next few days?’
Gerrard: ‘What’s huge?…you tell me, you’re the one that wanted to know about it.’
Reporter: ‘8 figures?’
Gerrard: ‘8 figures!? One million!? We’re talking about one million?’
No…we weren’t….but you definitely showed him, Stevie. Well in, lad.
A Neil divided against itself cannot stand.
Epic Charlie Mulgrew
The sub-editors at the Daily Record must have been feeling bored this week. So much so that they decided to headline a story as ‘epic’ where Charlie Mulgrew asked Xavi what kind of wine he liked. ‘Former Celtic star Kelvin Wilson recalls epic Charlie Mulgrew story after famous Barcelona win’ ran the headline.
The story, in it’s entirety: Wilson, Mulgrew, Sanchez and Xavi were being drug tested after the game and Mulgrew was ‘trying to get banter with them’ by asking them ‘stupid questions’ like ‘do you like red wine or white wine’?
Now, everyone has got to get paid, I understand that, but I couldn’t help but think about the journo behind this story. As someone that studied journalism, I think I know his journey: perhaps getting up at 7am everyday to get the stinking low level train to Hamilton, passing exotic places like Rutherglen and Blantyre, before making the walk to Bell College to spend all day learning 100 words per minute shorthand and doing such interesting courses like ‘Scots Law for Journalists’ and ‘Feature Writing’, getting home just in time to do a 5pm – 10:15pm shift at Tesco, considering throwing himself in front of a moving car in the car park so that he wouldn’t die, but be just injured enough not to have to push trollies for the rest of the shift.
Finally graduating and getting some shifts at the Daily Record, a place where he can finally get to write about the thing he loves: football, the glorious game, ballet on grass. What’s my first assignment, boss? What do you mean I have to watch a web show called Open Goal hosted by an ex player with a funny accent? What do you mean I have to mine it for solid gold? What do you mean a question about wine preference is ‘epic’ banter? What do you mean I have wasted my life?!?!!?
Incidentally, the by-line just says ‘by Record Sport Online’. Unsure whether or not that is a good thing for the reporter.
The little girl GIF that is used as shorthand for WTF award of the week goes to this passage from the Daily Record:
‘When it was put to him he will be going head-to-head with Stewart, Clarke replied with a wry smile: “Well, I won’t be playing against Greg personally, unfortunately…” The press room exploded into hysterics, with the often reserved Clarke roaring his head off in laughter.’
I can only assume that everyone in that press conference has taken up micro dosing.
In his weekly Daily Record column, Barry Ferguson insisted that Rangers need to knuckle down and that they have no time for snowflakes. No Social Justice Warriors needed at Ibrox. Joe Worrall apparently refers to himself as Cis Male and that is why he was dispossessed by Eamonn Brophy, who, obviously, believes in only two genders. Carlos Pena thinks that women should be believed and won’t be allowed back at Murray Park. Joe Dodoo thinks that climate change is manmade and will stay on loan at Blackpool.
Over to the phone-ins, and it has been revealed that Scott McKenna has an unfortunate tattoo and is perhaps the living embodiment of a stock of rock:
Andrew Lamb, Fraserburgh, said: ‘Scott McKenna’s best chance of a big-money move would probably be Celtic. He’s not good enough for the English Premier League and has Hull or Preston written all over him.’
Finally, it’s cute to see Rangers fans accept their place in football and are embracing a rivalry with Kilmarnock fans:
Joe Graham, Garrowhill, said: ‘Clarke has started playing mind games in today’s Record Sport telling his defenders to beware of Morelos and pointing out Defoe’s wages are equivalent to his whole team’s. Is the fear getting to him ahead of the game?’
Robert Elliot, Mauchline, said: ‘Clarke is comparing his budget to Rangers yet he never brings Celtic’s budget into it when they meet. The difference between the Gers and Killie is we get more supporters through the gates for one game than Killie do for the whole season.’