Although there is no pre-Christmas lull when it comes to the SPFL fixture schedule, it does appear that some of Peak Fitba’s favourite characters have been saving their true crazy for those family conversations we all have on Christmas Day: the discussions that start after the fifth beer and end after someone has likened their uncle to a certain German Chancellor from the 20th century.
But while regular contributors such as Kris Boyd was curiously silent this week as he faced a lot tougher questioning from the Celtic faithful on his inside knowledge of dressing rooms than the BBC has ever managed……
Just seen this 😂😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/iOhRDbPyRx
— Adam Lynch (@AdamLynch27) December 8, 2018
….and the same Celtic media connoisseurs reacted to Neil McCann’s return to punditry (a godsend to this column) by re-posting a thoughtful criticism that articulated wonderfully most viewers’ opinion of him….
Neil McCann has the audacity to show his face back on tv again. pic.twitter.com/I6gXjq79Cj
— Adam Lynch (@AdamLynch27) December 9, 2018
…this week was another triumph for what is known globally as the greatest public debating space since the Athenian Agoras; the Scottish football phone-ins.
Let’s start with everyone’s favourite group therapy: Clyde SuperScoreBoard!
Clyde SSB Weekly Awards
Clyde SSB Beat the Pundit Moment of the Week: [When asked to name an EPL manager whose initials are alphabetically consecutive] DJ One Cell: ‘Alex Ferguson’
Clyde SSB Shade of the Week: [Mark Wilson to DJ One Cell] ‘Confer before you start shouting rubbish out!’
Clyde SSB Piracy Admittance of the Week: [Michael in Greenock calling in to discuss Celtic’s 5-1 destruction of Kilmarnock]: ‘I watched the game on my boy’s laptop today.’
Yer Da’s Hot Hotline Jokes
We’re getting closer to that time of year when older relatives are about to burst with a year’s worth of stored up wackiness; ready to unburden themselves to the whole family during Christmas fun time.
A sure sign that they’re close to exploding was the plethora of fitba da’s reaching for the phone this week to tell their shitey jokes to the Record Hotline.
‘Is Rangers shirt sponsor 32 Red a prediction of the cards they’ll receive this season?’ asked Stephen from Edinburgh.
‘Rangers fans shouldn’t be too upset as they’re still going for 55… red cards in one season,’ Russell concurred.
‘A few years ago Billy Connolly joked that people who didn’t know much about Scottish football thought Partick Thistle were called Partick Thistle-nil. Well, these same people now think it’s 10-man Rangers,’ added Martin from Prestwick.
Ha fucking ha, lads.
‘I’ve been hearing the SPFL are to introduce a new award category at the end of the season daftest player of the year. It won’t be called the Oscars, it will be called the Buffalo. And we all know who’s going to win it,’ said James from Dennistoun.
‘Alfredo Morelos should be known as the Bull rather than the Buffalo considering the amount of times he sees red,’ added Tom from Southampton.
Please, if you have a vulnerable Da and you know he has a supply of Chuck Berry and a 1000 free minutes a month on his pay as you go burner phone, just… just going to put him in a home? Please.
Yer Da’s been writing to FIFA again
We have all had those moments: the second you realise a fan of your club has not just jumped the shark, but lacks the self-awareness to realise they have jumped said shark and instead of swimming back to shore they just keep surfing, jumping and shark dodging.
And so it happened when Chris phoned Clyde SSB to tell them how he had written to FIFA to complain about an apparent refereeing conspiracy against Celtic, an admittance made days after the club were given the most un-penalty penalty for many a year. I am sure there will be many of us that have believed referees were against Celtic over the years and as someone that grew up with Rangers getting to 9-in-a-row I still believe that certain individuals in refereeing and administration were probably anti-Celtic.
But Chris, we are the establishment now. Haven’t you seen the way Peter Lawwell laughs? It’s the laughter of someone that knows things. And in any case, why FIFA and not UEFA, ya melt?
I can’t help but imagine Chris writing this strongly-worded letter, a pile of discarded balls of paper to the right of him, holding the pen so hard that his fingers are red, The Chase on in the background, Bradley Walsh informing him that he better hurry up and finish or he won’t get to the post office on time.
Pushing the letter into an envelope and then googling the address for FIFA (Proddy Conspiracy Department, 2nd floor) before running to the post office, wishing he had paid more attention to those stamps.com adverts that play before his favourite podcasts.
His delight at seeing the post office still open and the queue only 65 people deep, his wee pee pee getting more and more excited the closer he gets to informing FIFA of the grand conspiracy: a conspiracy that has won Celtic 7 out of the last 7 trophies.
Getting back from the post office at the same time as his wife, who works to support his blogging. ‘Nice day, love?’ she asks. ‘Aye, just got FIFA involved, hen. Just got FIFA involved.’
The Gerrard Ramble
Fear not – even when others falter, this Peak Fitba favourite always deliver. The Gerrard Ramble will never want for material!
‘I don’t see myself being a manager of numerous clubs throughout my career,’ Steven Gerrard began the week by telling us. No shit, Stevie. Next week he will reveal to us what colour the sky is.
But stating the obvious is not the only thing that Stevie is famous for – he also loves a dig. And I don’t mean one of his trademark shots from distance, I mean slipping in criticism of his players. Regular readers will know that Gerrard is at his best when coming up with new ways to throw his players under the bus – and he’s getting more and more stealthy (using last week’s AGM to completely molligate Lee Wallace was ingenious).
It’s the digs from nowhere that we cherish the most but surely even this true master of the art couldn’t possibly get one in when talking about the Rangers 5-a-sides training?
‘When we play five-a-sides nobody can get near me! That is the way it is, you never lose it!’ Or by extension, the current Rangers players will never have it. I can just imagine Stevie calling Halliday a mug just after megging him.
In fact, Gerrard has so much contempt for his players that he has begun calling them ‘these’:
‘Now I have to look after these and try to help these to get as much success as possible.’ These? What? Is this a thing? Have I missed a new thing? Like that time people started saying Yolo?
Thankfully the Daily Record was on hand to clear matters up for the people, like myself, that didn’t realise that it was acceptable to call a bunch of humans ‘these’: ‘The “these” to which he refers is of course his players,’ they wrote. Of course.
After Rangers’ controversial winner at Tynecastle that caused Craig Levein to lose his tiny mind, Steven Gerrard was quick to undermine his fellow coach: ‘I saw the interview where he said they were playing against 13 men. The only mistake I saw in the interview was that it was 14, because our fans were superb on the day.’
I don’t much have a problem with the 13 v 14 men thing, because both clubs are the worst and both coaches are the worst, but I just can’t but wonder what the other linesman thinks about all of this? Does he feel bad that he’s not part of this wee club? I get the feeling he is cold and alone right now. Sitting in his house behind a locked door. Just thinking and staring, knowing that one day he would make a good part of a large mob.
In other Stevie Gerrard happenings, he was quick to demand better from his players following the recent spate of indiscipline. Cos, you know, it’s just not the Rangers way: ‘I think it’s time the players started showing the club a bit of respect and playing tough and competing but doing it fair and staying on the pitch,’ said the Gaffer.
He is, of course, correct. Rangers have always stood for respect and competing in a fair way. Nothing improper about the culture of the club or the dealings of the club at all. Always a level playing field. Straight as a die. Clear as crystal. Shenanigans are unwelcome. Take your Tom Foolery and get tae. Rangers are all about fairness and competing in a fair way. Absolutely. Get them telt, Stevie.
The Record described Kieran Tierney’s post cup final victory as some kind of Orwellian hellscape where Sound of Silence was played on loop: ‘Kieran Tierney celebrated his latest honour by locking his front door and sitting in the house.’
Joe Carmichael from Carrickfergus (no chance that’s the name of a real place) called the Hotline to take full credit for Scotland winning the Nations League and eventually the World Cup: ‘I said after all of the Scottish call-offs that we should blood young players and it has paid off. Alex McLeish should stick with that policy and not go back the way by considering players who are not committed.’
During Sky’s half-time show Kris Commons described Andy Halliday’s bog standard free kick from 19 yards out as ‘one of the best strikes I’ve seen on a football field’ before spending the next 20 seconds discussing the goalie’s positioning and how he was ‘nowhere near it’ despite it not quite being in the top corner. We’re expecting great things from Clarifying Kris over the Christmas period.
On the horrific racial abuse suffered by Christian Mbulu by the (scum, subhuman scum) Hearts fans, Stephen Robinson likened the incident to all the famous bigotry experienced and promoted by the dinosaurs: ‘I thought this was 2018 but that was the dark ages and dinosaur stuff.’ I asked some dinosaurs for comment, but they refused to speak to ‘whiteys’ like me.
The S*n this week reported on Steven Gerrard wearing a 25 grand watch during the Hearts game at Tynecastle. Definitely brave to be wearing something so expensive out among Rangers and Hearts fans and brave spending so much money on such a shanner of a watch. Professional stylist Lisa Talbot described the watch as ‘very simple, elegant and sophisticated.’ 1 down, 2 to go, Stevie.