Peak Fitba Watch | Celtic Eyes on the Scottish Football Media

It has been bothering me since I read it. It just seems so haunting. My girlfriend uses it all the time and I have never really thought much about it. But now I can’t get it out of my head. The Record website asked the question and I don’t know the answer: who will make the last flour? Who… who made the first flour? What will the last flour be for? Will it be pizza… a final pizza… is it a biblical question? And why does Keith Jackson think penalties should influence this rapture? If it’s getting to the final whistle of all existence, why are we focussing on the last flour in particular. I…can’t…

Coocoocachoo Mr Robertson

This week Rangers TV attempted to look all professional and move away from the ‘whit’s the goalie daein, Tam?’ and ‘how you daein, how you daein anyway?’ soundbites of old by having a sit down interview with their own MD, Stewart Robertson. It was mildly bizarre. The ‘director’ of the 8 minute interview obviously has an HNC in Film and felt it would add some shine to the piece if they set up two camera angles: one directly in front of Robertson and one slightly to the right.

The auteur then spent the next 8 minutes randomly switching between the two slightly different camera angles, giving a surrealist feel and leaving the viewer hankering for the days of John Brown door-stepping unwitting members of the public. In my mind I can no longer focus on what Stewart Robertson looks like. I flit between two angles like my brain is telling me it cannot compute.

Away from the visuals, Robbo had a lot to say about the Beeb. Not knowing that correlation doesn’t imply causation, the MD went full conspiracy theory: ‘They recently asked to come to Ibrox, but only to cover the matches. They would not be interviewing our manager and our players. Now, if they are treating us differently in that respect, are there other areas where they are also treating Rangers differently in terms of the incidents which we are seeing being highlighted at the weekend? You only have to look at the Alfredo Morelos incident in the Old Firm [sic] game, where they seemed to spend an inordinate amount of time examining Alfredo’s actions, but at no time at all did they look at any other actions from that game with the same scrutiny.’

I’m going to Robbostop you there. Morelos had three, yes three, different flashpoints in that game where he could have been sent off, including booting Broony’s baws, standing on Ralchops’ back and lashing out at Christie’s ugly wee face. If there were three possible red card flashpoints in a game with only 1 goal, then those flashpoints are going to take up a fairly good percentage of the highlights package. Now if those three incidents involve the same player, then maybe, just maybe, that player will be on screen an ‘inordinate’ amount of time. Now quit dog whistling, Stew. However, if you intend on making an Anyone But Rangers film, I know an auteur.

Nacho Novo for the soul

‘For me personally, there is mafia in the SFA, in terms of they are run by Celtic. The newspapers are exactly the same and that’s obvious. You can see it from a mile away.’

Correct. Next

Hotline Hotness

 ‘Alan Clark sent an email which read…’ –  hawd the fucking bus. An email? An email!? How the fuck do you email a hotline!? I’m starting to think the Record lacks quality standards.

Dunky (actual name) from London quipped: ‘Steve Davis should go back to commentating on the snooker.’ No Dunky you have got it wrong. The Steve Davis you are referring to is a 61 year old retired snooker player. This one is a footballer on loan from Southampton. A 61 year old couldn’t play football, you silly sausage. What are you like? In fact, the Rangers player is Steven and not Steve. Almost like you are being wilfully silly. Dunky you scallywag. 

Billy from Springside implied that perhaps our footballers are AI and that we are maybe living in some kind of Matrix: ‘Instead of constant whining about artificial playing surfaces, would Stevie G not be better concentrating on improving his artificial football team?’

Misc madness

Brendan Rodgers continued the religion ignorance this week with a comment about his wife and her apparent lack of knowledge when it comes to, well, life: ‘when I brought my wife up here she didn’t know what a Catholic and a Protestant was.’

Chris Sutton on his up-bringing: ‘We didn’t think about religion, we went to [properly policed] harvest festivals and church fetes.’ What did you think about at the church fete, Chris? Did you not think: why is this building so much bigger than all our houses? Why is there a cross up there? Why is there a pointy bit pointing to the sky?

‘I love my players to bits, they have gone to places for me and the fans that was above and beyond but there have to be times when you have to tell players certain things.’ Stevie Gerrard on why he loves his players, but hates it when they make him call them all a bunch of limited cunts.

Steve Clarke on the coin throwing incident:  ‘You don’t want anybody throwing anything, people go to football to watch the game.’ I know Celtic fans, fuck sake. Kris Boyd just goes to watch the games, leave him alone.

‘I didn’t know it – somebody said, ‘’Smell the fags off him’’. So you’re looking for it…the smell of fags off the guy, honestly.’ The anecdotes on Si Ferry’s show never fail to impress.

Jeremy Toljan on Celtic’s chances in Valenica: ‘As we say in Germany
’’hope never dies’’, so we’ll go there with the right attitude and try to beat them. Miracles happen.’ They also say: Ich liebe gelbe karten

And finally, Steve Clarke had this to say: ‘When I was a player going back to 1984, 85, 86, Rangers didn’t sign Catholic players.’

Nothing to add.

Graeme is a Celtic fan living in Bayern. He was the original bum on seat 1, row S, section 113 and stayed there for 11 seasons. He now contents himself with Celtic TV. He was one half of History Bhoys Abroad and has a background in journalism. Tom Rogic completes him. He can be found on twitter under @PodestrianG

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