It’s the most wonderful time of the year: Oscars Season! Hollywood is getting ready to be suited and booted and have the word ‘gong’ thrown about like an enforced gay moment in a Netflix documentary. Peak Fitba wants in on it. Therefore, we start this week’s edition with our very own ceremony. And don’t worry, Shakespeare in Love will win fuck all.
The Weekly Awards
The Existential Realisation of the Week goes jointly to:
- Scott Arfield: ‘Everything is fucked! That is what the physio told me!’
- Neil Lennon [on talking to Virgil van Dijk]: ‘Look, you’re not going to be here long, so enjoy yourself’.
The STD of the Week award also goes to Neil Lennon: ‘I know from past experience it’s usually about a month before you start getting the itch again.’
The Yer Da Wants to Be Down With The Kid award goes to the Daily Record: After quoting Steve Clarke on his spat with Gerrard (‘Why Steven chose to come back personal I’m too sure. Class is subjective.’) , Stuart Hodge added a: ‘Ooooh, burn.’ No, really.
The Tabloid-assed Tabloid Sentence of the Week goes to Gavin Berry: ‘SFA bigwigs are called blazers but it’s a flak jacket needed for the compliance officer given the position has become a posioned (sic) chalice.’
The Absolute Taking the Piss Reach of the Week: ‘Hibs are still keeping mum over the departure of Neil Lennon as new boss Paul Heckingbottom promised to become a father figure at Easter Road.’ It’s the third consecutive award to the Record with Gary Ralston the man responsible. More on Gary Ralchops later…
The Too Late Now Moment of the Week goes to Scott Bain: [On Valencia] ‘We’ve seen them now and I don’t think there is anything to fear.’
The It Definitely Didn’t Happen of the Week award goes to John from East Kilbride: ‘Last night the wife said she was going to tape the football but when I switched it on she’d recorded Death in Paradise by mistake. Not that I missed much because it sounds like it was Murder in Paradise over on the other channel.’
And finally, The Yaaass Moment of the Week: ‘Former Rangers and Dundee United defender Bilel Mohsni has signed for Greek second tier club Panashik…despite a warrant being issued for his arrest in the UK.’
The Gerrard Ramble
Stevie G decided to throw plastic pitches under the bus this week and he started off with a sentence that scholars will pick apart like Beowulf for many a year: ‘I know because I played on them because they’re not safe.’
He then went on to essentially imply that plastic pitches are some kind of malevolent monster that will not only make the ball bounce weirdly but will ruin your life and your family’s life and perhaps invade Venezuela for oil:
‘You think of your family. Not all players are able to say, ‘I’m financially secure. My wife and my family are safe. These are people’s lives, where they’ve got to survive and pay bills and support their families, yet you know that at any given moment you could be wiped out for a full season – and there are no guarantees for being out of football for a full season, how your career is going to pan out.’
Luckily Ibrox has a grass pitch so a game at home against St Johnstone, a team that Celtic have utterly broken over the last few weeks, would be a walk in the park…
I don’t have much commentary to add to the following quotes. Just enjoy… drink it in:
‘Across the board today, nowhere near good enough. I think I’ve been seduced in this week because the players have looked like they were looking forward to playing in front of Ibrox. We knew Tommy and how he was going to set up. I think right now, forget titles, forget closing gaps. The reality is if you perform like that across the board in front of 50k people, there’s your evidence. You don’t need me to say this that and the other.’
Oh Stevie, but I do need you to ‘say this that and the other’. I have column inches to fill.
On the Record debate page where they were discussing what should change at the SFA, Gary Ralston took the chance this week to fire shots at not only Celtic as a club, but also one of our family. ‘Why hasn’t Tom Boyd, an ambassador for Celtic, been cited for his recent scandalous comments on refs? Why haven’t the Parkhead club been called to account for allowing the stadium to be used for a documentary that made the most outrageous accusations against the men in black?’
Why don’t you shut the fuck up, Gary? If anyone has a gripe against Tam Boyd it’s me because:
- He scored an own goal at my first and only game in the old Celtic Park terracing.
- I need to listen to his commentary on Celtic TV every week.
The amusing thing about the Boyd controversy is that what he said to the newspapers was just the tip (the tip!) of the paranoid and conspiratorial stuff he comes up with during every single game. Most of us just read the comments and thought: you are losing yer edge, Tam. But Ralchops: Tom is ours so leave him the fuck alone.
Levein Me & I Will Kill Myself
Craig Levein is a jolly japester, we all know that, and this week he pretend threatened the international career of Steven Naismith (LOL):
‘I’ve actually sent an email to Alex asking him, ‘If anyone goes to MLS, would you consider not picking them?’’
Pretty amusing from the glaiket one. But hold on… he was joking, wasn’t he?
‘As a result of his efforts at Hearts he has got himself back in the Scotland squad and scored important goals. All being well we probably have the best opportunity for a very long time as a national team of qualifying for a major tournament.’
Okay, that sounds a bit manipulative, but we have all plucked on heart strings every now and again.
‘I’m sure Naisy would be part of that as it stands.’ Hmmm… As. It. Stands.
‘There is a whole generation of players who have never played in a major tournament and Naisy could be part of Euro 2020, which has come as a result of his performances here [here!]. Naisy is such a competitive boy I don’t think he’ll enjoy it if someone beside him doesn’t have the same mindset. I’m not saying MLS isn’t competitive [think you are, Craigy] but Naisy’s character is perfect for Scottish football.
‘It is good for him to be important. He has already spent a spell latterly at Norwich where he was out of the picture and he has thrived coming back into the spotlight.’
Remember when that bad man didn’t treat you right, Naisy? Craigy was there to be good to you, cook you fancy meals like cordon bleu, take you to Rouken Glen every week or so. Now think what would happen if you tried leaving him… tried bettering yourself… you might fail… you might end up with a bad man again… Stay in Craig’s warm embrace, Naisy.
The Hot Take Hotline
Barbara from Stevenson was first up with a steaming hot take: ‘It’s interesting to see the compliance officer hasn’t cited a Celtic player since about 2010 while Rangers have had numerous players punished. All we are looking for is fairness. The challenge on Ryan Jack at the weekend was shocking.’
Firstly, Celtic didn’t make that challenge on Ryan Jack and secondly the CO hasn’t cited a Celtic player cos we are not dirty bastards. And thirdly we run this country. And fourthly the challenge on Ryan Jack was hilarious.
Alistair from Ormiston was up next to prove that everyone has forgotten about poor wee Craig Gordon: ‘This was the worst tackle I have seen by a goalkeeper since Harald Schumacher’s brutal foul on Patrick Battiston at the 1982 World Cup.’
John from Condorrat suggested that…well, I am not sure. Something about the players in Scotland taking some kind of rage inducing drug, maybe crack cocaine or the drug form of the virus from 28 Days Later: ‘There should be more random dope tests on Scottish professional footballers before someone is seriously injured. This out-of-control thuggery must be down to more than just a rush of blood to the head.’
James from Dennistoun tried to impress us this week. I mean usually if we are making a comment like ‘you would have to be X not to have seen that’ we go for someone like Stevie Wonder or maybe Ray Charles. But no, not James from Dennistoun. James from Dennistoun thinks those two are far too mainstream for a man of his taste. James from Dennistoun decided to invoke a Texan Blues singer from the 19th century:
‘I don’t care if McGregor was reading the bible before kick-off – the bottom line is that it looked a snide, nasty tackle [cos no one reading the bible has ever done anything snide or nasty] and if Blind Lemon Jefferson was on the SFA panel I’m sure he would be dishing out a ban.’
Finally Stephen from Ardentinny [definitely not a real place] gave us a weekly reminder that rugby fans are knobs: ‘I watched the rugby at the weekend and saw fans drinking beers at the game, showing passion but also behaving themselves. On the pitch the players got stuck in but they weren’t rolling around the grass pretending they were injured. Meanwhile in football we’ve got bile in the stands and players trying to con referees. The game should take a look at itself.’
Is that right, Stephen? Fuck off back to the ruggers. Prick.
8500 people signed a petition to oust Clare Whyte from her position as compliance officer, the final proof that change.org. is the worst thing to happen to modern society. Step Up and Say Ms Whyte.
Valencia apparently complained to UEFA about the Green Brigade tifo the other night, telling the governing body that the bat had been ‘deformed’. You know what’s deformed, Valenthia? Santiago Canizares hair-do, that’s what. Ooohh, burn. UEFA threw the complaint out cos the tifo didn’t ‘incite violence’. Challenge accepted.
‘Rangers need a bit of quality or magic to unlock defences that’s when these two will come to the fore,’ says Charlie Adam of Rangers duo Davis and Defoe. Seems the pair of them have swallowed the key to unlocking defences and are suffering from constipation.
Who said the following inane horseshit:
‘What’s going on in football these days? When did everyone become so precious and so hysterical about every little thing? Can anyone else remember when it used to be a man’s game?’
Kofi Annan [ ]
Barry Ferguson [ ]
Maya Angelou [ ]